UPDATE: Yes, no prizes for guessing this is our April Fool. But can you decipher the anagrams?
Brighton bathers will be defended by modern-day Dippers armed with tasers following reports of a Great White shark lurking in Sussex waters.
The tasers will be dubbed Martha Gunns in honour of the legendary Dipper famous for dunking.
Dippers will be stationed in three state-of-the-art bathing machines on the shingle by Yellowave, the Shelter Hall and Hove Lawns, which are to be purchased at the cost of £3 million by Brighton and Hove City Council.
The scheme will also include 24-hour shark spotters based on the i360.
Dipper recruitment is set to be launched on a dedicated website at midday.
Brighton and Hove City Council’s thankfulness and wellbeing officer Flo Parolia said “Recent reports of Great White sharks in the sea off Brighton means that some people are too scared to get in the waters.
“We hope our 21st Century dippers, armed with tasers to repel unwanted attacks, will reassure nervous swimmers.”
She added: “The health benefits of cold water swimming are well recorded and include an almost immediate sense of smugness and an increased capacity to post repeatedly on social media.
“It’s no wonder that it’s already popular with so many citizens of Brighton and Hove.”
A totally genuine and not at all bogus sighting of a Great White was reported in Littlehampton in February.
Littlehampton Harbour’s claim that it was actually the Ferring Outflow pipe, partially submerged at high tide, was quickly debunked by conspiracy fact checker Hal Finito.
Brighton resident Bob Randrean said: “I’m descended from Martha Gunn actually.”
Hanover based environmental campaigner and Green Party activist Saffron Lentil-Rice objected to the plans on the grounds of animal cruelty saying: “Sharks are people too, y’know.”
Weak laughter
Plausible